Below is a letter written by author, Ram Dass. It is to the parents, (Steve and Anita) of a girl named Rachel who was violently murdered. The words are powerful.
Dear Steve and Anita,
Rachel finished her work on earth, and left the stage in a manner that leaves those of us left behind with a cry of agony in our hearts, as the fragile thread of our faith is dealt with so violently. Is anyone strong enough to stay conscious through such teaching as you are receiving? Probably very few. And even they would only have a whisper of equanimity and peace amidst the screaming trumpets of their rage, grief, horror and desolation.
I can’t assuage your pain with any words, nor should I. For your pain is Rachel’s legacy to you. Not that she or I would inflict such pain by choice, but there it is. And it must burn its purifying way to completion. For something in you dies when you bear the unbearable, and it is only in that dark night of the soul that you are prepared to see as God sees, and to love as God loves.
Now is the time to let your grief find expression. No false strength. Now is the time to sit quietly and speak to Rachel, and thank her for being with you these few years, and encourage her to go on with whatever her work is, knowing that you will grow in compassion and wisdom from this experience.
In my heart, I know that you and she will meet again and again, and recognize the many ways in which you have known each other. And when you meet you will know, in a flash, what now it is not given to you to know: Why this had to be the way it was.
Our rational minds can never understand what has happened, but our hearts– if we can keep them open to God – will find their own intuitive way. Rachel came through you to do her work on earth, which includes her manner of death. Now her soul is free, and the love that you can share with her is invulnerable to the winds of changing time and space. In that deep love, include me.
Michael Anthony Ayala RIP
3/4/89 – 8/1/17
Michael, you are missed. You were loved. Your absence is palpable. You weren’t always easy to love. At times I saw a glimpse of the genuine love you had for your son. It warmed my heart. I also saw the scared little boy that you kept inside. I loved you. We all wanted to help you. I wish we could have.
I write. It’s what I do to process life. I mostly try to find the good in something before I write about it. In fact, writing about it helps me discover the good when I’m going through valleys. Unfortunately, I’m still struggling to find the good right now.
Just when I think I have a handle on life’s transitions, there is another twist. Just a few days ago, my grandson became fatherless. His earthly father left this world. In his passing, he left many questions that will never be answered. He leaves behind my daughter and their 23-month-old son. I wish I could say Michael had a great 28 years but that isn’t the case. He had a tortured soul. His childhood was horrible. There were good things too but he dealt with a lot of demons. I could see in him so much potential if he could only break away from his anxieties. In the end the demons won the battle. But I do believe that God won the war. I know that Michael is out of pain now. Those things of his past no longer haunt him. He is free.
There were many things about Michael that I wished were different. I did my best to help him see that there was a better way than what he’d grown up with. He was making some positive steps for sure. He was a talented artist. One good thing I can say about him is that Michael loved his son unconditionally and his son loved him back. It warmed my heart to see how Jaxson’s face would light up with a huge smile when his daddy would come to pick him up. You could see the love there. There has never been any doubt about that sweet , sweet love. I’ll do my best to make sure Jaxson knows no matter what happened in the end, his daddy loved him more than anything.
Suicide isn’t something that I understand. It’s not something that anybody wants to talk about. We seem to be able to publicly talk about so many of life’s horrible experiences like murder, rape, sex trafficking, and disease but nobody wants to talk about suicide. It’s still a taboo subject.
Perhaps if I had known more about it and understood it better, I could have done or said something to prevent this from happening. You see, that’s what is left behind when someone close to you commits suicide, we somehow feel responsible. There’s a tremendous about of guilt. We rehash every last conversation and nuance thinking if only we had said more or said less that this horrible thing could have been prevented. We even wonder if he really meant to go through with it. It’s a question that will forever haunt those that loved him.
Then I wonder how to tell his son what happened to his daddy as he grows up and starts asking questions? Questions that I don’t have answers to. How can I possibly explain something that I don’t even understand?
I don’t have any answers here. I wish I could find the lesson we are to learn, the good that God promises. Perhaps it’s simply my willingness to talk about this publicly to bring more awareness to mental illness and suicide. It’s out there. Maybe someone you know is thinking about it right now. Let’s educate ourselves on how to help these people. We all struggle with demons; it’s just that some of us are better equipped to deal with life than others. Let’s love on those that need our support.
If you are someone who is thinking about suicide, you are important to this world, you are loved, you matter, and your story isn’t finished. Don’t write your own ending. The semicolon is a symbol for suicide awareness because it is where an author could finish a sentence but chooses not to. Don’t end your story now. There’s so much more to say. Keep going!
If you know of someone suddenly or tragically taken from this world here is a link to a letter written by famous author Ram Dass that I find very comforting. Maybe it’ll help you too. CLICK HERE
Some may wonder how Houston will recover from the recent epic disaster from Hurricane Harvey. I can’t tell you exactly how it will happen, step by step, but I can tell you we will not only recover, we will be stronger and prouder than we were before this devastation hit our city. We are a strong, God fearing, flag saluting, gun toting, compassionate city and we will show the world what it means to be Texas proud.
If you’re not a Texan then you probably don’t understand our pride or mentality. We may pray to different gods, vote for different presidents, and have skin of different colors, but when we see our neighbors in need, we help. We are humans helping humans. We don’t wait on the Government to rescue us. We take care of each other when things get tough. We are prepared to do what needs to be done. We don’t just sit and cry and feel sorry for ourselves.
Don’t misunderstand me; we have cried many tears over the loss of lives, pets, homes, cars, and family heirlooms. My heart feels like it is swollen. At times I feel the pounding in my chest so strong that I think this must be what a heart attack feels like. In a way, it is an attack on the heart. I personally feel overwhelmed with emotion seeing all of the loss that many of my friends have suffered while I seemed to have been spared from the devastation. But I can tell you, through the tears, we take action. We have rescued each other, offered our homes to complete strangers, given time and money to help clean buildings and homes, clothed the drenched families, fed the hungry and taken care of our beloved first responders. This will continue until the job is done.
One of my friends who lost her home said she wasn’t used to being on the receiving end of things. Tears spilled out of her eyes as she said that she was so grateful for her neighbor who rescued her family on a boat. I reminded her that the giver is blessed. When we are able to reach out and come to the aid of those in need, it is an honor. So if you are uncomfortable being on the receiving end, remember that you are allowing someone else to experience that blessing.
I’ll never understand why I was able to ride out this storm completely unharmed but I can tell you that I am grateful. I am also honored and blessed to be able to love on and help those who need it the most right now. I believe that God will bless Texas in a way we’ve never seen before this storm. Get ready for some Texas pride on display!
5-2-11 to 5-3-17
Six years of fun. Six years of taking random drives in the country on dirt roads. Six years of working together. Six years of laughter. Six years of change, growth and success. Six years that welcomed grandbabies, giggles and toothless smiles.
Six years, enough time to really know someone and know if you want to be together forever. Six years is even enough time for someone as cautious as I am when it comes to relationships. Together six years and then one day that ended it all. It’s not at all where I thought the conversation would go.
For those of you that know “us”, this will be a shock. His public adoration of me has touched many hearts. So many saw us as the perfect match for each other, the perfect couple. You’ll ask what happened. I don’t have an answer. If I did maybe we could have done something different. But there you have it. After six years and one day, it’s done.
For six years, he was my lover, my confidant, my business partner, my mentor, and my encourager. Then that one extra day he wasn’t anymore. We are still best friends and work tremendously well together and that will continue at least for now. He will always occupy a special place in my heart. I have the utmost respect for him. There is no animosity. It is truly a respectful parting. In fact, this parting happened a couple of months ago. I just wasn’t ready to go public with it. Writing is what I do and since I’ve written so much about us previously, I knew I had to write the last chapter.
I’ve had to deal with worse things than this and I know I will get through it. God has incredible plans for both of us. This isn’t the plan that I had but I know that God’s best work happens in times of disappointment. Change is an open door for divine intervention. I don’t know what the future holds so for now I’ll just trust in Him and wait to see where I’m led.