What are regrets exactly? I think I’ve come to a place in life where I don’t believe in them….don’t buy into or sign up for them. After all, I love my life today. And the road I’ve traveled to get here has made me who I am. So yes, mistakes have been aplenty but each one has gotten me here, to this place that I am today that is perfect for me. I completely believe in the plan that God has for me and I know that He loves me unconditionally. I am where I am because of decisions that I have made, good and bad, and because of where God has led. It has been a long process for me. But I think, even dare to believe, that perhaps I have found true happiness. At times I doubt what I feel because after all that I’ve been through, I don’t always have enough faith in my own feelings. Sometimes it’s hard to trust them.
Girls are taught from the time that we are very young that we should be polite and accommodating. I struggle with this all the time. It’s like I have a saint on one shoulder saying “Don’t rock the boat, go along, don’t state your true feelings because you might offend someone” and then on the other shoulder, what seems like it could be the devil saying “be you, act how you feel and say what you think”. Why is it that the one that says to be me seems so wrong? I do believe that self-sacrifice is important at times but one has to recognize the difference between being kind and being empty inside. Did I pass this trait onto my own daughter? I hope not because I have recently discovered that it’s really ok to be ME! In fact, it’s necessary. It is simple but so, so complicated and profound. Why did I think that I had to sacrifice me in order to please others? And how can one ever hope to be their best not being themselves? It’s imperative to be happy with yourself before you can ever hope to have any kind of relationship with someone else. It’s taken me years to learn this. You mustn’t worry about meeting others’ expectations at the expense of being yourself. “Never let the voice of reason drown out the cry of your heart.”
Part of my learning has to do with the relationships I’ve had. I won’t blame anyone but myself here. I’ve made choices that, as I stated before, I have no regrets about. It’s gotten me here. I had so much to figure out and I truly believe that the only way for me to get here is down the road that I traveled. And I have to say that I am so happy in my life today that I feel compelled to proclaim it. So forgive me if this is a bit gushy. I’ve messed up a lot of things but each time, I’ve gained a little understanding. Now I have a man in my life that loves ME. He is able to love ALL of me because he is so comfortable with who he is that he can allow me to be me. And I know that I can be all of me when I’m with him. He doesn’t want to, or need to, control me. I didn’t think that this kind of relationship really existed. He tells me that Nirvana exists on the other side of your comfort level. So what happens if I completely, unconditionally, irrevocably let go and fall in love? It scares the shit outta me. But I’m drawn to him. I can’t turn away and I don’t want to. He believes in me and gives me the courage to leap. Taking this chance is scary but what do we do? We leap with faith because God does have a perfect plan. Right now I’m not going to think about the destination of this adventure. It’s enough knowing that the journey will be amazing.
Lady Gaga said it best:
“I need a man that thinks it’s right when it’s so wrong
Tonight, yeah, baby!
Right on the limits where we know we both belong tonight
It’s hard to feel the rush, to brush the dangerous
I’m gonna run right to, to the edge with you
Where we can both fall o’er in love
I’m on the edge of glory, and I’m hanging on a moment of truth
Out on the edge of glory, and I’m hanging on a moment with you”